when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
