god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
