They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
