If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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