I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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