On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
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I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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