There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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