I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
