Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
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Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
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Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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