you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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