wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I cut my penus on the lid.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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