I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
this is an emotional support booty call
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
