I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
