about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
