I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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