I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
