Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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