come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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