my soul wont recognize me after tonight
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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