I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
this is an emotional support booty call
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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