Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
