true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
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so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
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We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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