i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
