Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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