rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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