Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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