I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
