1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
