i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
we should paint friendship bongs
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
