i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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