I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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