don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
