Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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