I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
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Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
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She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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