I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
