I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
