I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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