i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
