drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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