Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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