my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
