Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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