No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
