dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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