In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
