i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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