There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
