A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
