you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
