At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Randomize
