I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
