i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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