xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
