I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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