Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
